Why is it that whenever we are going through something, the first thing we holla is "Lawd, have mercy - why me?" I would like to suggest that we need to change our paradigm - maybe we should question, "Why not me? What is it that God is trying to develop in my character that will be made manifest once I get through this?" Well, that is what I am pondering this morning as I sit at my desk...at work...but not working.
The worldwide church of which I am a member recently spent three months studying the subject of crucibles - what they are and how we, as Christians, should do to get through them. I will admit that I didn't study my lessons as I should have and now, with 20/20 hindsight, I am kicking myself in the butt, because God was trying to teach me something in preparation for the storm in which I currently find myself. (But you best believe, I will be pulling out my quarterly and going back to study - ain't it grand that we serve a God who gives us "second chances" for a myriad of things? AMEN!) I currently find myself in the midst of a crucible experience and I am sort of wondering..."why me? what did I do to deserve this?" And of course, there are the "friends" and "well wishers" who say, "Girl, you know I got your back. Who we need to get?" All that is well and good, but it is also distracting.
This morning, during our prayer call, as I asked for special prayer for me and my co-worker (who is also going through this experience with me), the pastor made an interesting statement that I had not considered: "Maybe you are going through a "Job" experience. Maybe God was bragging on you and turned to the enemy and said, 'Have you considered my servant, Kristina? There is no one on earth like her, she is blameless and upright, a woman who fears God and shuns evil.'" (paraphase of Job 1:8) [Ok, those of you who know me well can stop laughing now!] It could happen. God looks at our hearts when considering our characters, and He knows that, despite actions that may seem contrary, my heart is bent towards Him. I truly, desperately want to be like my favorite Bible character, David, and be called a "woman after God's own heart." He knows that and loves me accordingly.
Years ago, when my grandfather was dying from cancer, I attended a prayer meeting service where I poured out my heart before the congregation about how I was feeling and requesting prayers for his healing. As we prayed, I left the sanctuary and went into the bathroom to cry. A friend of mine, Vonda, followed me into the bathroom and I will never forget what she told me: "Kristina, I don't know why I am saying this to you, but God has given you this trial because YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN GO THROUGH IT." In essence, the trial of losing my grandfather was specific to me. The crucible that I am currently going through is specifically designed for me. There is a lesson I am to learn, there is some flaw in my character that needs to be changed, eradicated, removed. And it is all done for MY BENEFIT because God loves me and wants to save me.
So, the shift has happened and the question has become: "Why not me? Why should I be spared from this trial?" I shouldn't because it is within the will of God and He wants only the best for me. (Jeremiah 29:11). I end with this quote that I received in an email recently. I was going to revise it so as not to offend, but realized that it is perfectly stated as is: Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh shit! She's awake!"