17 April 2009

Attitude adjustment needed...

This doesn’t happen very often, but I am really feeling depressed and down and unloved and unappreciated right now. Yeah, that is a difficult thing for “God’s Favorite Child” to admit but it happens…occasionally. It’s just been a bad week emotionally.

It started on Monday when my 89 year old grandmother told me that I “really ought to treat (her) better.” This coming from a woman that I wake up at 7:00 EVERY Sunday morning to call and speak with for no less than an hour. EVERY Sunday morning, y’all…and when you consider that I called her on Monday just to check on her (because she’d been feeling poorly the day before) – her statement left me hurt, dumbfounded and wounded. Then on Tuesday, our morning devotional call’s topic was all about “honoring” our parents – which is extended to aunts, uncles, grandparents – we are to “honor” our elders, even when they have been less than honorable to us. OUCH! That means, even when they hurt your feelings (intentionally or unintentionally), you still have to honor them. Ok, that was a hard and bitter pill to swallow. On Wednesday, the continued upheaval of my house due to a renovation/painting project of the kitchen and upstairs area sent me running to the safety of my room downstairs after a heated discussion with my long-suffering, patient, how’d she ever get saddled with me as a daughter, mother.

By Thursday, the stress of the week manifested itself with lower back pains, headaches and just general “I don’t feel good” symptoms, which made me a less than pleasurable co-worker and friend. It all culminated this morning (Friday) when some woman I don’t even know greeted me in the lobby of my building with a hyper “Good morning”. I guess my grunt of greeting wasn’t sufficient for her because she immediately went on the attack: “It’s Friday! You should be more cheerful than that!” Ok, maybe in her world of happiness, joy and blue skies, that is her reality – but, right now, I'm in a bit of a funk. Aren't I allowed to wallow in my misery for a minute? Geesh.

A dear friend of mine, who just happens to be a pastor’s wife and a minister herself, told me this morning (this was BEFORE the happy Friday greeting) that there are two types of trials that God allows to be sent our way: some trials are sent to assassinate our spirit. You know those trials where you succumb to an old vice (or old ex-boyfriend) and then you spend days/weeks/months telling yourself that you are no good and God will never forgive you for THAT. (Just a ploy of the enemy – the subject of another blog). The second type of trial is to build your character. And that is what I know this week has been about for me.

See, I have this thing, this issue, with patience...and control. I know this about myself. I struggle with it all the time. I'm not talking about the “waiting for God to move” kind of patience – although, that rears its ugly little head every once in a while. I'm talking about the “what do you mean you don’t see things my way?” kind of patience. My blowup with my grandmother: what do you mean I'm not nice enough to you? I bend over backwards trying to make sure you are happy – isn’t that enough for you? My irritation with the woman who said Hello this morning: why do I have to be happy it’s Friday just because you are? And who are you anyway? My frustration with the co-worker who felt it was her job to call me out for not attending a voluntary weekly secretaries meeting on yesterday: what about the many times you haven’t attended? Did I make a point to walk by your desk and say something to you about you not attending? No, I don't! Again, geesh.

I know that in the scheme of things – the rising unemployment figures, the slowly recovering economic state of the world, the earthquakes in Afghanistan reported this morning, child abductions, people dying from cancer, and hit-n-run accidents on the news every morning – none of the things that have upset, frustrated or bothered me this week are important. Ten years from now, I might not remember any of it (unless I'm reading through old blogs and come across this one). And maybe, just maybe, I will learn something from all this. Like, don’t sweat the small stuff. It ain't that deep that my grandmother is seeking more attention – as long as it doesn’t cause me harm, I should just give her more attention. When she is no longer living, there will be no regrets about what I shoulda or coulda done for her. Likewise, it ain't that deep that the renovations/painting are taking longer than expected – it’s getting done, my uncle is doing a fantastic job and the end results will be beautiful.

Patience, grasshopper, patience. I'm learning. Slowly.

Be blessed and have a fabulous, wonderful, peace-filled weekend.

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