Thirty Years Later

Thursday, November 12, 2009
In a year when I have gone to more funerals than birthday parties, it is always a joy when I am reminded of the value of long lasting relationships and friendships. Today I had such an experience.

In 1978, my mother remarried and transplanted my brother and I from Atlanta, Georgia (by way of a short 6 month stint in Savannah, GA) to the Bronx - Fort Apache - New York. C'mon! Just the name alone would strike fear in the heart of the most stalwart, resilient and courageous teenager around...yeah well...I was none of those! I was TERRIFIED out of my mind to be living in the big, concrete, where are the trees?, jungle that was Parkchester, Bronx, NY. [I should note, my brother took to it like a duck to water - what does that say about him? Hmmmm...] I knew I was not going to fall in love with New York the first time it snowed. Now, coming from "down South" where one snowflake can paralyze a city for DAYS, the first snowfall in NYC was my wake-up call to my hate-hate relationship with the city. "Time to get up for school.", my mother called. "But it's snowing. There must be 8 inches on the ground. Isn't school closed?" "No sweetie, this is New York." SCREECH!!! Send me back to Atlanta right now. Where is the humanity in sending me out in that foolishness. And it was at that moment that I began plotting my escape.

And my new classmates didn't make it any easier. "Ooo, say that again. You have the cutest accent." was a common refrain throughout the day at school - and my two biggest teases were two larger than life Hispanic guys, Alex and Santos. Now, to the Atlanta transplant, the whole idea of the Puerto Rican/Hispanic culture was straight out of movies to me (West Side Story, anyone?)...and here were the two hottest guys in our class (my opinion) and they were the full embodiment of "hot, lusty Latin men". I will go no further since both of my parents read this blog, but you get my drift as to the conversations we had. Hot for 9th graders, let me tell you! Throughout the year at J.H.S. 127, Alex and Santos must have been on a mission to make me blush at least once a day - and most days they succeeded. But after graduation, Santos went off to another high school and we lost touch. Alex and I went to the same high school, but soon found new friends and eventually just became ships passing through the hallways.

And then suddenly it was 20 years later and I was involved with the planning of my 20th high school reunion. Some time during either the planning of the reunion (or right afterwards) I got a random phone call from a gentleman asking me "do you remember me?" and it was Alex! He was stationed in Iran at the time (his 2nd tour of duty) and after a few missed international phone calls, we finally got to talk voice to voice and we rekindled our friendship. Through him and the magic of Facebook, approximately five years ago, I reached out and made a similar "call" to Santos and we reconnected. For about that long, we have played hit and miss with opportunities to actually see each other...until today.

Thirty years later, I was reunited with my junior high school friend...and what a wonderful reunion it was (for me). Our reunion was only about an hour in length (due to his having to get on a plane), but it was wonderful to connect with someone who knew me such a long time ago - and who was as interested in the reconnection as I was. That is a true blessing.

Reminds me of a reunion that will be taking place in heaven some day soon. Lots of people I love have been laid to sleep in the Lord - not only this year, but throughout my life. And there are some reunions I am looking forward to having...my grandparents, some very special friends and of course, with my Lord and Savior. I hope to see you there as well. Let's make a date to meet up there - what do you say?

Be blessed.

The Value of (My) Friendship

November is always a month of reflection for me. As I approach the eve of another birthday (and this one is a BIG one! 45 years young...), I am reflective of the year just past, and my entire life. 2009 has been an eye-opener for me in a lot of ways. Lots of losses and changes in my life: I don't think a single month has gone by this year where I have not been to a funeral or homegoing service for a loved one or for the loved one of a dear friend. In fact, a high school classmate who calls me EVERY day to check on me, is now almost afraid to ask me what I am doing each weekend because it seems like every weekend for the past few months, my answer has been that I have to attend or just come from yet another funeral. And those aren't the only losses (or changes) I'm talking about: loss/changes in friendships and relationships; changes in job responsibilities and even my job schedule; shifts in paradigms, beliefs and even a change in how I view God and His love, care and concern for me.

For about a month on Facebook, I have been talking about doing "the BIG PURGE". As my number of "friends" neared the 700 mark, I recognized and realized that just because someone has accepted your "friend request", they ain't necessarily your "friend". [And that is true outside the cyberworld of Spacebook or MyFace as my father likes to call the two leading social networks - he hasn't come up with a new name for Twitter yet, but I'm sure he's working on it...] So, I made a grand announcement about "purging" all the dead beats from my friends list. It started out as a joke, but as I moved through the list, I realized the value of it. My "friend count" has been drastically reduced as I have slashed through the list and removed people (I'm below 600 at last count). Some people have been "saved from the purge" because of their familial ties - can't get rid of family no matter what; others because they got decades of friendship under the bridge (although that was not an automatic "save" for some people by no means) and some...really got saved only because of my nosiness about what's going on in their lives. And I am not the only one who is doing this on Facebook. Increasingly, I see my friends' statuses say stuff like: "To delete or not to delete", or otherwise asking the question about the "rightness" or "wrongness" in deleting someone who has been a "friend" on their page. My response, across the board, has been, "Delete, delete, delete".

But then today, after I posted a status that said, "Kristina just wants everyone to know: THIS IS MY PAGE!! Like it or leave it! Geesh.", another close friend of mine made a statement that made me stop and think. He said (paraphrasing), "you act like it's a big deal if you decide to delete somebody. It ain't that big a deal if you do. Not to me anyway." WOW! He went on to explain his reasons for saying that (which I will not get into here), but it made me stop and think. Am I really acting that way? Like I'm all that and a bag of chips? Is that the statement I'm trying to make? "Hey world, stop, look and pay attention to me?" Hmm...maybe. Maybe not. But, for argument's sake, let's go with the "maybe - yes, that is the statement I want to make."

Is there anything "wrong" with that? Why shouldn't I want to be valued by my friends in the same way that I value them? Every name on my friends list MEANS something to me - good, bad or indifferent...every name calls up a memory, a feeling, a reason why when I got their friend request, I accepted - or when I sent them mine, I was glad they accepted me. Shouldn't friendships nourish and sustain you - not only in the good times, but through the bad? Shouldn't, when I see your name on my friends list, there be a feeling of joy and not despair? I think so. As the old Loreal commercial said: Because I'm worth it. And I am.

So, without apology or equivocation...going into 2010, the people who do that for me - the ones who nourish my soul, cherish my friendship, who "know" and value me just as I am and not how because I am the way they want or need me to be, or because of what I do or give to them - those are the people that I want to surround myself with. Excuse my poor English but, I ain't got time for the bull no mo'...I just don't. When I candidly say to you that 2009 opened my eyes ... more than I ever wanted them to be opened ... it did.

The Bible says, "to everything there is a season..." And for those who don't believe as I do, then I am sure you are familiar with this saying, "People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime". Well, I am embracing MY season. 44 years for everyone else is long enough. It is time for ME - call it selfish, call it mean, call it whatever you need to call it. THIS IS MY SEASON.

So, on January 1, 2010, I plan to post this as my status: "If you are seeing this status update, you survived my 2009 purge - congratulations!" Take offense if you wish, applaud my decision if you know me and understand ...whatever you choose to do... that is on you. I am doing me ... finally!

Hope I see in 2010. (seriously)
Be blessed, (even more seriously)

Evaluation

So today is the day. Every year, as an employee, there is a tradition we all must endure called "the annual review" or "evaluation". At the firm where I work, you not only have to do a self-evaluation (which I hate! I mean, where is the line between tooting your own horn to the brink of arrogance and not outlining what you do on a daily basis so that you can be properly assessed and evaluated?), but you also are evaluated by every timekeeper you work for. It can make for a stressful situation - even when you are a stellar, above the top, team player, yes I am THAT great employee like myself. Hahaha. (Sort of) just kidding.

We all think we are great employees, don't we? I mean, c'mon. Who wants to own up to being the employee who comes in late, takes long lunches, leaves early, and in-between all that, spends way too much time answering personal emails, playing online games, being less than cordial to clients/customers, gossiping troublemakers that no one wants to work with, but endures nevertheless. Not me, and surely not you either. And yet, everyone knows someone who fits into the category I just described and not too many people who fit into the category in which I jokingly put myself in above.

When I sit down with my (new) supervisor later this afternoon, I fully expect to get a good evaluation from the attorneys that I spent most of the last year supporting. I am confident about this because, throughout the year, I made a conscious effort to communicate with them and make sure that their expectations of me were on point with what I was doing in my daily job. There were some "behind closed doors" conversations where I was told I needed to be more careful in the execution of my job. There were also some times when I was (deservedly so) taken to task for dropping the ball or failing to follow through with a task. (Yes Lin, even your "together" godsister ain't always so "together"!) But overall, I feel I am a good employee and expect a good evaluation. I expect that I will come out of the meeting with my head held high and an evaluation that I can proudly show my mother. (She looks forward to this stuff way more than I do!)

But in the scheme of things, my evaluation today is nothing compared to the evaluation going on every day on a spiritual level for my soul. I KNOW I would be much more apprehensive if I were sitting down face-to-face with my Lord and Saviour waiting for His critique of my performance as His child. Am I the Christian I proclaim to be to my friends, family and loved ones? Hmmm, not always. Do I perform the duties He places before me with a willing spirit? Do I follow through when He whispers a suggestion in my ear? Do I always perform my tasks with a willing spirit? In all honesty...that would again have to be a sheepish "no". What would my "grade" be if my name were called in the judgment chambers today? Would I get a "Well done, My good and faithful servant" or would it be "Depart from me, I don't know who you are." I am praying it would be the former.

There's a song whose lyrics are: "Only what you do for Christ will last." This is true in EVERYTHING we do. Whether it is honoring our parents or being courteous to the rude driver in front of us or performing our duties at work to the best of our abilities: we should do it as if we were being evaluated in the heavenly courts. 'Cause guess what? We are.

Be blessed.

Since when is rudeness acceptable?

Call me old-fashioned but I remember the days when common decency was...well, common.Whatever happened to "The Golden Rule"? You know, treat others as you would like to be treated? Whatever happened to treating each other with respect, even if we disagree? I don't know. I think we are moving away from a basic foundation of decency and respect and, as a result, rudeness is becoming more commonplace and seemingly, more acceptable. In the past month, there have been a series of shocking displays of downright rude behavior.

It started with a man who thought it was totally acceptable for him to haul off and slap a crying toddler in a WalMart store in Georgia. He defends his behavior by saying he spoke to the child's mother first and when she could not control her child, he took matters into his own hands. REALLY? Can I just say, he best to be glad it wasn't my child he put his hands on because he would not be the one currently sitting in a jail cell. He'd be in the morgue and I'd be in jail..on murder charges!

It continued this past Wednesday night when South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson yelled "you lie" during President Obama's address to Congress about his plan for health care reform. I was at work and was unable to watch the speech, but I listened to it on CNNLive. On audio, all you heard was the disruption - and then the boos of the entire chamber. At first, I thought it was a mistake. Surely, no one would be "bold" enough to disrupt the President's speech, would they?

Have you ever been in a situation where you are in a noisy environment holding a conversation and just as you say something, the room noise dies down and everyone hears you say something inappropriate? I thought initially that is what happened in the Joe Wilson situation. But if you look at the video clip, you will see that is not exactly the case. Before the "you lie" outburst, there was a disruption on that same side of the chamber. I don't know if it was Congressman Wilson testing to see if he could get away with making an outburst, but the outburst that caused everyone to sit up and take notice was not the first outburst made that evening. It was rude. It was disrespectful. And Rep. Wilson has felt the brunt of public criticism and rebuke. He has made an apology, the apology has been accepted, we should move on, right? I don't know. The jury is still out. And it will be up to the voters in South Carolina to decide next year if Joe Wilson is who they want representing them in Congress.

Then tonight, at the Video Music Awards (VMA) show, Kanye West took rudeness to another level. Taylor Swift, a young rising country star, had just been awarded the best video performance award when Kanye West came on stage, took the mic from her and then announced that Beyonce' (another artist up for the same award) had the best video ever. REALLY? I don't watch awards shows, but I saw the clip on YouTube (like everyone else who missed the awards show) and even Beyonce seemed surprised, shocked and embarassed by his outburst. Now, whether it was a publicity stunt or just outright rudeness, I don't know. It was inappropriate, disrespectful to BOTH artists, and made Kanye look like a jerk. Of course, that is just my opinion.

When Joe Wilson made his outburst, thousands of people logged onto the website of his opponent for next year's Congressional race and put their money where their protests were and donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to his election campaign. Since Kanye's "stunt" on the VMAs, several people have commented that they will not support Kanye anymore. Good for them. It's one thing to be vocal, another to put your money where your mouth is. Better to do both.

Rudeness is never acceptable. And we need to speak out against it wherever we see it. Whether it is the kid who doesn't give up his seat on public transit for the elderly or pregnant woman. Whether it is the stranger bold enough to slap a crying toddler in a store. Whether it is a Congressman yelling out in what he called a "town hall" moment. Whether it is an entertainer disrupting a young woman's shining moment of achievement...we, as a people, need to stand up, speak up, and denounce such behavior as unacceptable.

Be blessed.

Is it politics or racism...you decide

Today President Obama made a speech to the nation’s children about the importance of education and what responsibilities they, the individual student, have to themselves and to this country and how education can help them achieve any goals they may have for themselves. I have not heard the speech in its entirety, nor have I read the transcript that was released by the White House over the holiday weekend, but I have been privy to a LOT of discussion about the speech via my friends (and their friends) on Facebook. Most people are amazed that there is even a controversy brewing over the fact that the President of the United States of America wants to address the children about something so fundamentally important as education. But the underlying debate is whether the controversy is based on politics or on racism. Either is equally dangerous if you ask me, but one hits a little closer to home for me.

So here we are in September 2009, almost a year after this country elected Barack Obama as the first African-American President. And in this first year, there have been no scandals of unfaithfulness (Kennedy / Clinton), no scandals of wiretapping and conspiracy (Nixon), no terrorist attacks on our soil (Bush), and while the war is still waging overseas, no new wars have broken out – although North Korea has flexed. The economy, slowly but surely seems to be turning around – it will be a LONG process people, be patient. Unemployment is slowly turning around also – not as fast as someone who has lost his/her job and is looking for one might like, but there are jobs out there and more are opening up nationwide. I knew when I voted for Obama that he was not a miracle worker. I was aware of the fact that all of our problems didn’t START with the Bush administration, and therefore, did not expect all the solutions to be found in the Obama administration. It is going to take time to rectify the problems our nation faces – and patience is needed.

However, people who don’t think as I think politically/emotionally/rationally…have tried to cloud the issues for the last 10 months. Did we have to spend days of news attention on the fact that President Obama took his wife to NYC to watch a play and while they were there, she drank a glass of wine? Really? Do we really have to hear about how Mrs. Obama’s walking shorts were not appropriate to wear while touring the Grand Canyon on vacation? You want me to believe that in sweltering heat, you really are going around in a sundress, sandals, carrying a parasol? Pa-leeze! And PETA has to protest because Obama swatted at a fly during a press conference? He didn’t even kill the fly, just swatted at it! Geesh. And now, finally, most recently, are there people in this country who are seriously “threatened” that Obama is going to “indoctrinate” their children while giving a speech about the importance of education? Excuse my French but, what the hell?!

I understand that all the noise is being made by a small group of people – but they sure are making a LOT of noise. And while most of the people making the noise don’t look like me, there are some who do look like me who feel the same way. (They are just a little less vocal about it). But every White person doesn’t hate Obama, neither does every Black person love him. Just putting that out there. People have said that the controversy is not about race, it’s about politics. Hmmm…really? How can it be about politics when the controversy started before the text of his speech was even released? If you don’t know what I am going to say and yet you are all up in arms at the thought of me saying anything, how is that politics?

I know there is a faction of people in this country who want to make everything about race. I have people in my family like that. (and yes, racism exists both ways and neither is right). And everything is NOT always about race…but from my perspective as an educated, employed, never been on welfare, never been on drugs, no illegitimate or legitimate children, BLACK woman: some things are. When Obama was elected, I knew he and his wife and his children would be scrutinized as no other First Family would be – but even I didn’t expect the microscopic intense attention paid to their every word, action, deed, thought, outfit…I couldn’t do. I have always said that we (Black folks) have to be twice as good to be considered half as worthy. And the older I get, the more I am finding that to be true.

I did listen to some of President Obama’s speech today. I was impressed with his humbleness as he talked about being in Indonesia with his single mom and her waking him up each morning at 4:30a to teach him his lessons. I listened to him tell the children that “your circumstances of today do not have to determine who you become” and thought “exactly!”. He also said (paraphrase): Your failures are not to define you, they are to teach you. Each failure is a lesson in what not to do to be successful. Powerful! Why would anyone NOT want their children to hear such encouraging words? I don’t know.

What amazes me also, these same parents who want to pull their children from school to avoid having them listen to the President will allow their children to listen to all kinds of negative music lyrics, or watch crazy/stupid TV shows and/or movies or go online to various websites that are not positive…you don’t think those are avenues through which your children are being indoctrinated? I’m just sayin’.

It may just be about politics…maybe. I tend to think that if the package delivering the message was packaged just a little differently, there would not have been the controversy.

Be blessed.

It's all so confusing....

I have to first make a disclaimer: I am a writer and therefore, a lover of the written word. An avid reader, journal keeper, poetry writing, trying to do a blog on a regular basis kind of writer. I had pen pals as a child and (hold on to your seats), still send out personal notes to people "just because". But (in my opinion), the fine art of writing and literary appreciation is going down the crapper at an alarming rate!

I am a Facebook addict (as everyone who knows me knows) but I find myself cringing more and more each day as people (and it ain't just the young kids either who fall guilty to what I am about to say) use broken grammar, misspelled words, no punctuation, acronyms and all kinds of other faulty writing tools in their attempts to communicate with the world. Let me tell you something people, if I have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what the heck you are saying, I am most likely going to ignore your post, your message, your page. And then your feelings are gonna be all hurt because you feel I am not giving you the proper attention and respect...in advance, here's my apology: sorry.

Some acroymns are commonplace now. We all know what "lol" (laugh out loud); "smh" (shaking my head) and "lmbo" (laughing my butt off) mean - but lately, people have been taking it to the extreme. "HAGD" and "ROFLMAOCYTF" are ones that recently had me going "WTH" (interpretations: "have a great day"; "rolling on floor laughing my ass off cause you too funny" (ok, I made that one up to prove my point) and "what the heck/hell") I mean, really people. It may be quicker/easier to just type the acronym, but if nobody understands what you are saying, what is the point?

It's just like the gift of tongues spoken about in the Bible. There is more to it than just speaking in a language other than the one you normally speak. Somebody listening to you has to be able to understand what you are saying! And my further understanding of the gift of tongues is that when the apostles did it on the day of Pentacost in Acts, they spoke in their language - the listeners heard it in their own language. In other words, I speak in English, but as you listen to me, you hear it in French or Spanish or Portgugese - whatever your natural language is. Not the whole "whostoleamyHonda" stuff that goes on in some situations/churches, etc. (Nothing against people who believe differently than I do - just a statement in general.)

And don't underestimate the power of language/communication. When, after the flood, the people on Earth decided to build a tower that reached heaven so they would never be victim to another flood again, God confused the language to stop the construction. If you ask for a hammer and get a box of nails instead, I think that would quickly put a stop to any construction project, don't you? [Read Genesis 11:1-9 for the full story]

All I'm saying people is this: communication is a two way street. If you want people to hear you/understand what you are saying - speak it in a way that is understandable. Now, having said all that: HAGD and GBY - LY!MI!

("Have a great day and God bless you. Love you! Mean it!)
Be blessed.

A Sister's View...

This story really is not mine to tell - it's my brother's, but as his older sister, I have to say something.

I got a chilling phone call from my brother today. He was shopping in a nationwide retail chain store. (I won't name it but it starts with a W, ends with a T, seven letters long, you figure it out). He was in there shopping when he decided to stop and try out the Dr. Scholl's display. (You know, the one where you can figure out which orthopedic support is best for your feet...) Anyway, he's there, awaiting his turn when he strikes up a conversation with the woman in front of him. Out of nowhere, another woman approaches, ignores my brother, and speaking directly to the woman in front of my brother says, "You really should be more careful with your purse around certain people and maybe you need to put your purse on your shoulder instead of leaving it in your cart like that." WHAT!? If you know my brother, and his flash point temper, you (like me) are cringing in your seat as you read this going, "Oh my God! Is Kevin in jail for murder? Where can I send funds for his trial and criminal defense." Let me stop and tell you GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

According to my brother (and I have to believe him since he called me from his car and not from a jail cell), he calmly turned to the second lady and said, "Excuse me, but I am not interested in this woman's purse or anything she may have in it and I resent that you would imply something like that based solely on the color of my skin." [Oh, did I forget to mention that BOTH of the women involved in this story were White and my brother is not? But I digress - back to that point in a minute] Before it was all over, the second woman had called over store security and by the time Kevin left the store, had even contacted the police outside the store. Now mind you - the FIRST woman never complained, never felt threatened, and even said this to the store security. All of this came from a SECOND woman who just happened to walk by and for some reason of her own, felt threatened by my brother.

On my brother's behalf, I feel angry, disappointed, angry, disgusted - did I mention angry? Why, even in 2009, do we still judge people by the color of his/her skin? Was there something in the demeanor of a barefooted Black man that makes a woman walking by think (1) that another woman was in danger of getting robbed and (2) that she needed to speak up about it in such a mean way? I told my brother then (and I mean it with all my heart) - you couldn't PAY me to be a Black man in America. Never. Reminds me of an incident YEARS ago when I was walking through a store with my youngest brother Scott and we immediately attracted a walking escort of store security. Scott must have been about 14 years old at the time and when I mentioned our sudden escort, his nonchalant response was, "yeah, that happens all the time. They think we are going to steal something so they always follow me and my friends around the store." REALLY?

That was back sometime in the '80s. But it's 2009 - we have our first African-American President - and yet, my brother still has to hold onto his temper because some misguided woman looked at him, saw a Black man, and decided he was a threat. When will it change? Will it ever change? I had hope in November when Obama was elected and I saw the crowd of people who gathered in the park - the diversity, the joy on everyone's faces - I looked at that and thought, maybe things are changing for the better. But I'm not so very sure anymore. [But then again, I just read pages and pages of people debating whether Michelle Obama exhibited "proper discretion befitting a First Lady" by wearing shorts while on vacation with her family at the Grand Canyon. I think our priorities are all screwed up.]

From a sister's point of view - I'm glad my brother held onto his temper. I'm glad I didn't have to gather bail money. I'm glad I didn't have to spend time sitting at a police station waiting for him to be released - or worse, that I didn't have to identify his body at a morgue if things had gone terribly wrong. And let's not pretend that things like that don't happen - especially in the South.

But most of all, I am sorry that he even had to call me to tell me this story...today...in 2009...when I thought things were getting better.

Be blessed.